Best friend of six years dates the guy her friend liked in high-school, leaving her questioning if the friendship was toxic or if she is viewing everything from the lens of her own hurt: 'Was this friendship unhealthy from both sides?'

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Olivia Arocena • Writer and Editor
Jul 6, 2026 7:15 PM EDT

When so many things happen within a friendship, you start to lose track.

Luckily, most of this intense drama happens in high school and stays there. Still, years later, we find out we're paying the price to this day with numerous insecurities and sensitivity around certain topics. When we get older, we tend to cut off certain friendships the minute they become complicated and not stay around for so long, creating unnecessary entanglement. Something like this happened to this woman, who's now sharing her story, and debating whether her friend at the time was insensitive and if she herself contributed to creating unnecessary drama. Have you been in similar situations yourself? Were you forgiving about them or not?

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  • two women and a man sitting on bench
    via Ga

    The two best friends and the guy they both liked

    Subjects are models

  • My best friend of 6 years dated the guy she knew I’d liked for years. I’m no longer angry, but I still wonder if I’m seeing the situation fairly.

    I'm looking for honest opinions, not validation. I also want to acknowledge that this is only my perspective, and I don't know what was going through my friend's mind. If you think I handled parts
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  • of this poorly, please tell me. For privacy, I'll call us A (me), B (my friend), and C. (the guy). A and B were close friends for about six years. During high school, I told B that I'd
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  • liked C for years. It wasn't a secret, and she knew how important he was to me emotionally. One day, B sent C a friend request. They started talking, and within about two weeks he asked her to
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  • be his girlfriend. Before saying yes, she messaged me asking if she should accept. Looking back, I don't think I was in a position where I could genuinely say no. I wanted to be a good
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  • friend, but I also felt completely heartbroken. That situation affected me much more deeply than I expected. It wasn't only about losing someone I liked. It felt like I had also lost my closest friend. My
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  • mental health deteriorated over the following months. I developed panic attacks, struggled with body image, started emotionally eating, isolated myself, and my academics suffered badly. I eventually went to
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  • therapy. Months later they broke up. Part of the reason was that she was uncomfortable in the relationship, but she also told him that I would never accept their relationship
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  • because I'd liked him for years. He then contacted me briefly and immediately blocked me. I hadn't asked to be involved, so that reopened a wound I had been trying to heal.
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  • a padlock attached to a bike with the words 'didn't work out'
    via Stephen Harlan

    How the relationship ended

    Picture is representative

  • When somebody asks you if they can be with the person you like, they put you in a very awkward position. Of course you can’t stop them from doing it because it’s not yours to say, and if two people like each other, there isn’t really anything you can do about it.  So the question is typically just a warning: ‘I’m going to do it regardless, but I’m going to let you know in advance, so I don’t seem unnecessarily insensitive’. I have two very strong opinions about situations like this, one is that if two people really like each other, it doesn’t matter that you like one of them, sooner or later they’ll want to be with each other, you’re going to have to deal with it, and that’s ok because in the long run, you wouldn’t want to be with anyone who doesn’t like you, period. The other opinion is that (and this is where adolescence comes in), before you start really liking someone, there is a time where that more or less is a conscious decision; if your friend has been telling you that she likes a person for years, you typically don’t start paying that person special attention. All in all, some things are just out of your control, and an unplanned-for crush can ‘show up at your door’.

  • After some time, my friend and I reconciled. We cried, hugged, and eventually became roommates. During that period, I cared about her a lot. I cooked for us, packed meals, cleaned the apartment, helped with
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  • university work, and genuinely enjoyed doing things for people I loved. Looking back, I also realize I tended to over-give and had very poor boundaries. Later she started dating another mutual friend. I
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  • was actually happy for them. Another friend and I even helped plan one of their early dates because we wanted them to have a special memory. Not long afterward, she moved out, saying the
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  • commute to work was difficult. Later I realized she had moved into the same place where her boyfriend lived. What hurt wasn't that she moved. It was feeling like she hadn't been completely honest
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  • with me. Over time, we drifted apart. We rarely met anymore, even when we lived relatively close. I stopped reaching out as much because it felt like I was always the one trying
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  • Eventually, I had to move back home due to circumstances outside my control. I didn't tell her until after I had already returned because, by then, I didn't. feel emotionally safe sharing vulnerable parts of
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  • my life with her anymore. Recently I noticed she had removed and unfollowed me on social media. Oddly, I wasn't devastated. It felt like confirmation that the friendship had truly ended. Since then I've spent a lot
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  • of time in therapy and journaling. I'm genuinely doing much better now. My confidence has improved, my academics are back on track, and I've learned healthier boundaries. I don't want
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  • the friendship back. What I still struggle with is understanding what actually happened. Was this friendship unhealthy from both sides?
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  • Did I over-invest emotionally and create an imbalance? Was she emotionally insensitive, or am I viewing everything through the lens of my own hurt?
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  • If you were in either person's position, how would you see this? I'm genuinely looking for perspectives,
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  • especially from people who have experienced friendship breakups. Please be kind, but don't hesitate to be honest.
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  • woman sitting on a couch talking to another
    via Vitaly Gariev

    The woman from this story working things through in therapy

    Subjects in the picture are illustrative

  • I think this friend went wrong by overinvesting in the friendship after all this happened; this is typically something you learn never to do again after you finish high school. It’s just too loaded, and it’s not necessary. Nothing too wild happened after that, and it’s ok that she went to therapy and is asking all these questions. Sadly, these dramatic events are what teach us important lessons.

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friendship friends toxic relationship
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